he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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