I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
