And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
