Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize