So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
