i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
this beer tastes like vomit already
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
