My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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