you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The air was thick with penises
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
