I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
