He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize