Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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