So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
