Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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