i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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