i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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