Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
