Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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