considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
It's shark week go big or go home
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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