And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
