Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
