come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
