Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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