so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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