I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
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