There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
