The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
