I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
