When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
