there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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