I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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