I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
