Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
