wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
