the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Randomize
