her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
