oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
