Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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