I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
