Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
