i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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