I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
