Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
