just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
