Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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