Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
