I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize