One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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