mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
