i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
