its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
