Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
