kristin has been a bad kristin
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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