Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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