Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
