I'm so fucking centered right now
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Randomize
