but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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