My liver just broke up with me...
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize