Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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