Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I am spending my child support on dildos
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize